Here is a tip: if you can help it, don’t get surgery in summer if you have an apartment without central AC.
I wasn’t quite sure when to make my next newsletter entry. I find that I put pressure on myself with these, but I’m not sure why.
The other day I was returning from Roseville and found myself driving through the area where the half-marathon I ran took place. This was the last time that I did any strenuous physical activity, and was in some ways what started my path toward surgery. I thought it would be haunting, but I was met with a familiar, comforting feeling. Rather than seeing this injury as a loose end, something was telling me that my life is headed in a different direction. I can thus treat this race as a bookend to a successful stint of running, one that doesn’t necessarily need to resume again right away. Maybe in a few years.
I wanted to be able to share that I had fully recovered and was back to my old habits. This, unfortunately, isn’t quite yet the case. I can’t run yet, nor can I do much of anything that puts a lot of impact on my left leg. In fact, other parts of my body sort of hurt now too, and I’m looking into it.
The moving in of shorter days has also forced me to reckon with the fact that period of adjustment will take longer than just a season. The pain began last winter, and recovery will likely continue into this winter and the years to come, in the form of physical therapy and doctor’s visits.
However, as of recent, I’ve been able to resume or modify some old habits and welcome in new ones. While I can’t really run now, I did jog for about 5 minutes on the treadmill. It was slow. I cried a bit after. The initial healing process after surgery moved so fast, from getting off crutches to walking, biking, and strength training. This all occurred within 2 months or so. Now, it’s been a waiting game, and the milestones are less punctuated. Progress is measured in minute increases to range of motion or strength, and isn’t always linear.
This has prompted me to understand that there are “macro-seasons” of life that while difficult to accept at first, can be taken advantage of and provide new opportunities. It’s okay to give up certain things for a period of time and resume them later. Not everything that I enjoy needs to be happening all the time. Pastimes can be shelved or modified, and taken down when the time is right. It may take time to get back up to speed, but the process of doing so can still be enjoyable and fun via meeting people or simply learning. Consequently, in doing so, I’ve allowed myself more time and space to think about other life moves that were ignored because I wanted to maintain everything, all at once.
I’m currently filming a skateboard video. It’s been a pleasure to film friends and think about tricks and songs. I really enjoy the editing process, and it scratches whatever itch I had in the past about going into film and television. I’ve also been attending West Coast Swing and Fusion social dance. It’s kind of like skateboarding, with the trick encyclopedia and whatnot. Things like social dance and improv give me hope, in the most general sense. These people are willing to be around each other and get embarrassed in the pursuit of having fun amongst others. When I meet people like this, I know they are my kind of people.
It has been weird to see my body change. I don’t look the same in the mirror, and I physically feel weaker. It doesn’t feel great, but I can’t do anything about it. It’s notable that no one really cares about these things except for me though. Health should be prioritized (pain sucks), but moving forward I want to maintain giving my body grace.
Anyway, stay tuned for some writing and the skate video. I have been motivated to put words on the page as of late. I think this is because I have some other stuff cooking that makes me excited for the future!
Recs
Movie: Trainspotting
Music: Alex Chilton (big star), GROOVY (jersey club), Sam and Louise Sullivan (folky)
Book: Anna Karenina hahaha
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